17 Weeks today! For the past three days I have been on emotional lock down. I have been struggling with body image issues and it’s beyond pregnancy. To many this is going to seem selfish and disgusting, but to me it’s an issue I have faced since college.
For starters my sophomore year in college I was at Creighton University where I began counseling for a learning disability as well as an early onset eating disorder. I was diagnosed with “disorder eating,” which is the step right before anorexia. It’s a mind battle and a struggle I dealt with for years. I was not the only one affected. My mom was also affected. She had to travel to Omaha, NE from Joplin, MO on weekends to make sure I was eating. I was a muscular 145 pounds when I was playing volleyball and when I had to have a career ending knee surgery I decided I needed to get, “skinny.” I began dieting unhealthily. I would allow myself one slice of bread and chicken broth in the morning and water throughout the day. This was my routine for 3 months. My roommate noticed I was sleeping all day every day and losing a tremendous amount of weight. After 3 months I weighed in at 115 pounds and had lost all my muscles. I got help and moved home for the summer of my sophomore year and transferred to Missouri State University. I got healthy and my mind right with the help of my parents and counselors. I am now 30 years old and haven’t struggled with weight since CrossFit because I loved how strong I became and how I looked. I truthfully didn’t think I still had a problem with food or eating.
I am 17 weeks pregnant and I am struggling with these thoughts again. Matt noticed me being really angry with him and not talking to him freely like we do at dinner time most evenings. He kept asking me, “What is wrong with me?” He was getting frustrated and angry with me because I was not myself the past three days. I took some time to myself and a break from the conversation and got ready for bed and took a long shower. After I was ready for bed I was ready to confess to Matt my feelings about my body and my insecurity that I haven’t had for a long time. I don’t know why body image is such a big deal to me. I love that I am pregnant and hopefully have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I am a mess thinking about getting stretch marks and extra fat. I even started changing my eating habits for Matt and myself. That’s not a terrible thing that I am looking up healthier recipes and lowering carbohydrates for the two of us. I do not want food to consume my life like it once had. I have caught my insecurity early and communicated it to Matt so that’s a good start to not let it get the best of me. I’m sorry for feeling this way, but this is me being real. Blogging about this will help me facilitate my feelings during the rest of my pregnancy and hopefully find the root of the problem.
In regards to my battle in the foods and on a more positive note, I have found some healthy recipes that I will be trying out. I tried and succeeded in a good one last night. Spaghetti squash with meatballs in a crockpot. Tonight I am making Teriyaki Chicken in Pineapple bowls. I love to cook, but have been stuck cooking the same stuff for the past year because it fit in my nutrition plan. I cannot workout as much or as hard, so I need to lower the carbohydrate and fat content, but still want to enjoy my food.
Some other good news is I found a friend who has had 2 children. She is wanting to get back in shape so we are working out together daily at Evangel. I don’t feel the need to compete with her, but just stay moving and help her along with her fitness journey. This is going to be an addition I needed in my life.